Friday, May 9, 2014

Truth

Genevieve and I unpacked her school backpack, sorting through the colorful crayon drawings and homework that spilled out of her yoga dogs peachy folder.  She proudly held up a printed Mother's Day Poem, finished off with a picture she drew of me under the prompt, "draw a picture of what your mom looks like to you."  It was flowery and colorful, lots of hearts, black hair and curiously blue eyes. 

Read the poem mom.  I obliged.  A little ditty on how all moms are different from each other, with different strengths, but that we all do our best and love our kids.

That poem's not about you, mom.

What do you mean?

You're a yelling mom.  You're a mean mom.  You're not a sweet mom like the mom in the poem.

Swallow hard.  Try to let it roll off my back.  She's only five.  She doesn't know that her words are like a knife to my heart.  She doesn't know how hard I work at being the best mama I can be.  She doesn't know how much of me has been put to the side for her.  Fail.  Cry.  Cry hard.  Cry hard in front of my wide-eyed five year old.

What's wrong mama?  Why are you crying?

Because what you said was hard to hear.  What you said hurt my feelings.  What you said carried truth.

Long silence.

I didn't mean to make you sad.  It's just that you don't let me do whatever I want.  You don't let me eat as many doughnut holes as I want to.  You make me clean up my messes.  You yell when I don't listen.  But what I said was true.  You're not a sweet mom.  But your a good mom.  I love you mom.

Ebbing in to Mother's Day weekend feeling like I've been punched in the stomach, no wind behind these sails. 

I know that I want to raise a daughter who is respectful, who is kind, who is a good listener, who knows how to speak her truth.  I know that we reserve our most hurtful words for those we love the most.  That I have said things to my own mom that stung her, hurt her, were unforgettable. 

Mother to daughter, mother to daughter.  We laugh.  We love.  We yell.  We cry.  We try our best. 




4 comments:

  1. Oofta. A hard exchange, a good and relatable read. The exercise of understanding the words vs intention (5 year old vs 35 year old) is a constant one, right? The "I hate yous" and the "You're means" are merely a moment of THAT MOMENT, because that's what kids speak. It's their best and worst quality, depending on what they say. ;) xo

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  2. She will know one day that she has been gifted with the best mom in the whole world. She will likely be unable to understand how she ever thought those thoughts towards the person she loves more than words can say.

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  3. She will know one day that she has been gifted with the best mom in the whole world. She will likely be unable to understand how she ever thought those thoughts towards the person she loves more than words can say.

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  4. oh how we ask for this feedback and then we have to figure out "how the parent went wrong???" children are capable of making us "quiver" and "wonder", but to all outsiders they are basking in the response to these queries and how the tykes are satisfied and sated with the response.. as the parent rules!!!!!! is God!!!! and Guides you to the finish line that you desire! When the judgement is sound, all is well! in your corner, Lynne

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